Thursday, April 30, 2009

I must have missed a memo

I'm a junior in high school.
I ought to be past this whole "holy crap what do boys think of me?" phase, don't you think?
I mean, it never mattered much to me until...
Until prom.
Until April.
Until Now.

I was one of those kids that dated steadily. I didn't do casual dates, and I often looked down on someone who changed boyfriends like they changed their underwear. I would have these serious, possibly-going-somewhere-after-school relationships that lasted for years at a time. And then BAM.
I meet Zark.
Things get messy.
I date (sort of) Zark.
And things get messy.
And we split.
And all of a sudden I care.
I care what Chaz and John and Ben and Davis and Freddy and all those other boys in my grade think.
Not because I'm crushing on them, no, but because something in me clicked and said "Oh. Hey. I forgot. You're supposed to want to impress the other sex."
Now I want to dress up and wear nice makeup to get a compliment from a guy. I want to gossip about boys (which is decently unheard of. I gossip about ...well, nothing. I'm pretty out of the loop, so I never had much to say. But all of a sudden I'm sitting in a gaggle of girls saying "Oh my goodness. Did you see his shirt? He's so cute when he makes that face! EEK!") I need to ...I want to come to prom and have the boys stare....
I'm becoming what the freshman and sophomores are. I'm degenerating or something.
I digress.
Actually, no. I don't digress.
I never had a point to this blog.
I just...I'm just...I feel so...I'm confused about this sudden self-interest.
Hell, what happened to me wanting to be one of the guys?
Maybe it'll pass once Prom is over.
Or maybe he'll notice that I do, indeed like him and I want to do something.
Or maybe I'll just date casually.
I'm tired of long-winded relationships.
Where was I getting with this?
Guh, I need to start giving myself an outline.

1 comment:

Braden said...

My theory is that humans are natural shapeshifters. Our personalities and desires fluctuate with time, and sometimes they go right back to where they were before the fluctuation, or further down the path, or on a different path entirely.

And you're genetically programmed to try to impress the opposite sex. :D Just like I'm programmed to go "GRUGHG RUFF RUFF," flex my muscles, and hit stuff.

But I try to resist that one as best I can. :P